Hapy Birthday, Sonya, by the way

Best I can come up with at this time of night...

There was a YOUNG woman called Son,
Whose birthday has only just gone.
She knows about bigs,
Bums, toodles and gigs,
'Cos she tends patients in the shire of Lincoln.

Cheeries
Sam

Praise the Bristol Stool Chart

You only needed to say it once... and Lo! It appears, like the three Magi, bearing gold, frankincense and a Bristol Stool Chart.

Personally, I think it's rather limited in its descriptions. For example, there should be at least 4 stages between Type 1 and Type 2 alone. Also, Type 3 ignores any factors of scale... I mean, that could be a puny 4kg in weight and 30cm in length... or it could be something more substantial.

Anyway, I'm off for a Number 2 of Type 3... ach... it's all so complicated.

Happy crapping.

PS. Can we move on, now?

Simmy Sammy Little Manny

happy birthday to me.....and hello to you all.......

Hi everyone, well today is my 39th birthday and it has been a f`ing cold one. I have had a good day, spent with Mum and Ben, discussing everything from wigs to....bigs. Mum looks well, and you will all be pleased to know, she is regular. In my line of work, I have noticed that as you get older, you tend to focus on your bowels - so what does that say about us? Have we always been old for our years due to the fascination we have with bigs and wees?!!!! Check out the Bristol Stool Form Chart - in fact print it out and have it laminated prior to mounting it on the wall in the lav. Good toilet reading and teaching for the younger amongst us. I do feel that we must all coordinate our present giving to mum - too many figgy presents may see her shitting off her mortal coil as opposed to shuffling.......`Nuff said. Everyone is well here, and as my important day is passing, we are now focusing on Jess`s wedding. Date is september 22nd 2007 in Bourne, be there or be square. Anyho, see the photos of me in my Mumbles gear, as Les gets older his tastes are changing - need I say more for fear of fritting the wee ones. Seth is getting bigger, walking and talking of sorts, and bigsying great guns - oh to be a child=regularity.

Ask me another............

I've paged the oracle, and Claire thinks there would be no harm in putting that in to the cardboard section of your local recycling bank. Personally? I'd just toss the thing out the back door into the street (aaaarrrgghh, not my face, not my face).

Peter, I think you are maybe hitching your knees up to your chest and pressing your bottom into the toilet water. I've seen this behaviour many, many times before, but Ellen doesn't know any better.

But, I do understand the need to 'Crank Biggs', which is an ancient technique practised in the far north of China, whereby the body is flexed and folded to produce your mahogany prize.

Right, that's enough about Biggs.......... OR IS IT.

Cheers

Claire X

when is enough enough?...

We have been following the save the world girl theory for a couple of days now but Peter said when he sits down its touching his bum, should we flush at this point????
On a serious note can you recycle the cardboard milk cartons with the green lids?

Eco Update

Welcome, welcome, welcome to our lentil eating, eco and worm friendly world. It's week 3 of Claire's (ouch!) sorry, our new eco-regime and here are my findings so far, in no particular order:

WORMTASIA

Our Wormery is coming along nicely and the worms have had their period of grace, being allowed to settle in and 'find their feet' [groan]. Now it's full steam ahead and they are having to earn their keep. We have been putting very limited food in the wormery, mainly tea bags, banana skins, apple cores, vegetable peelings (but no onions or garlic... it makes their tiny worm eyes water).

NOW IT'S TIME TO RAISE THE STAKES.......... Lentil Soup, Lentil Stew, Lentil Casserole, Lentil Bake, Grilled Lentils, Pan Fried Lentils on a bed of warm Lentils, Lentil Surprise you name it, if it's good enough for me then it's good enough for the f****** worms.

I'll keep you posted Worm Fans.

Recently, in an attempt to reduce our water usage, we have adopted the old Chinese proverb:

"If it's YELLOW, leave it mellow,

If it's BROWN, flush it down"

Observation 1: This has caused friction in the house, with Beth shouting, "well Ellen, you're not a 'save the planet girl' coz you flushed the chain after you did one wee."

(I can feel Claire shifting uncomfortably as she realises that someone in the house has committed a violation of subsection 1a of the Toilet Code)

Observation 2: Sometimes, there is a correlation between how yellow it is and how mellow it is. This obviously dictates how it should be dealt with, and a recent example of this is as follows: "Dad, I'm sorry I had to flush that one away because it smelt like Cheese Puffs."

Now there are some things that are acceptable to the Parental Palate, and a Cheese Puffs mornin wee aint one of 'em.

Observation 3: Claire has become slightly obsessed with the Toilet Code. I will limit myself (for the sake of our relationship) to one example:

Example a - 1500 hours on Saturday 20 January 2007, Beth and Ellen emerge from the toilet. The conversation went something like this:

Claire - "Well?" (there was no need to expand on this question, as the children know EXACTLY what she was enquiring about)

Beth - "well, I did one then Ellen did one and we didn't flush the toilet." (At this point, Beth walks on her tippie toes, excited and expecting praise, but soon returns to the balls of her feet with Claire's next question)

Claire - "Aye, but how much toilet roll did you use?"

Beth - "just 2 bits"

Ellen - "1 bit",

Claire - "one roll or one square?

Not excessive I thought to myself, maybe 3 squares between them. However when it was my turn to pour the tatties, I could hardly see the ceramic bowl for the amount of toilet roll down there.

NOTE TO SELF - That's it, neither of those 2 are 'save the planet girls'!

Incidentally, the same Chinese fella that told me the Mellow Yellow bollocks came up with another interesting phrase, or rather equation:

Figs = Bigs

Now I'm no mathematician, but THAT'S a sum that even I don't need a pencil to work out! So, if you're having trouble releasing the brown hostage, give it a try and let me know (for research purposes obviously).

So that brings to the end another Post from me. I am away to switch off the computer to save energy, slip into my hemp slacks and a comfy pair of raffia Jesus Sandals (or Adidas 'Bethlehem's') and sing protest songs in the kitchen whilst preparing a Lentil Sunday Lunch and trying to rid my nostrils of the stench of ammonia wafting from the bathroom.

Take care and speak soon.

Rainbow Crystal, Eagle Warrior, Cheese Puff and Little Cub x

hi its me at last (Mum that is)

here i am again just to say Sam Thanks for reading directions over to me again, if you dont hear from me for another week then you know i've forgotten the instructions again.......kiddy-on-like

Something to brighten up the remainder of the day.
Inner peace
I am passing this on to you all because it definitely worked for me and we could all do with a little calm.

By following the simple advice i read in an article, i have finally found inner peace:

The article read:
"The way to inner peace is to finish off all of the things you have started"
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and not finished....... and before leaving the house this morning................

I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake AND a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel!

Foot Soaking

Aaaahhhhhhh, I spend all day sitting on my arse and yet it's my back feet need soaking at the end of the day. It's pleasure I can't explain. By the way, I've counted my toes and I appear to have 11... hmmmm....

PS. Yes I am wearing my brown bonnet when this pic was taken.

Mum, I got your phone message about difficulties logging onto the blog. I'll call you and talk you through it!!
Hope you're well, Sqweee. x

Man Wears Same Hat in Three Photos!

I know, I know, I know... just noticed I seem to have had that wooly hat on for days. Do I ever take it off? Unhunh. (When I shower).

Man Discovers Cure for Flu!!

It's easy, I tell you. After suffering from the flu for 10 days straight and spending almost all that time off work and in bed... and STILL NOT shaking it... I decided to turn to folk lore. The Bible says it, the Koran, and the Talmud, too: "Getting lashed will cure the flu." And it worked!

What could be sweeter than sitting in your own flat with all that booze, Miami Vice and Pirates of the Caribbean on DVD, a Double Decker in the fridge, and no work the next day.

Atchoo! May need to have another session to clear it once and for all. Sam

Cheeky Little B***ard!!

What happens on the Mile, stays on the Mile... er, No wait... What happens in Sam's flat is supposed to stay in Sam's flat!! And anyway... looking at the photograph (below), you'll see I'm obviously far too busy with preposterously intellectual pursuits to have time to play 'Hunt the switch'!!! C'est vrai, ca! Oh la la, ya bass... BEEEP.....

Give the little Florence Nightingale some credit, though... I have been very ill. Cough, sneeze, gochle... atchooo, parp!!

I've had this brewing since New Year, and it only just came to a head on the day before I was due to go back to work. So what did I do? Phone up my line manager and set in train a bunch of telephone calls trying to find someone to cover for me.

BUT! I'm on the mend and have decided to stay off until next week so that I am fully ready to go back. Bear in mind that I have always struggled to get back to work as soon as possible after any illness. It's a big change for me, thinking of my health instead of the job. But it throws up a conundrum, how to continue sounding ill when I phone in to my line manager? Simple - see the pic below!

That was three days into my 'illness', and I'm still milking it!

Who's the 'Boy'? WHO'S THE 'BOY'???

Plumbing, Prosthetics and Citizen Band Radio

Happy New Year a'bidy.

Imagine the delight on the faces of my bairns when they opened all their Christmas presents at our house on the 29th December. Thank you to everyone for spoiling them, it is very much appreciated.

When they opened the gifts from Granny Mari (a lovely box each, containing a piece of fabric with their respective initial embroidered on it and a small china doll in a Scottish dress and hat), they were ecstatic.......... until Ellen looked beneath the petticoat of her doll and noticed that it only had 1 leg. Her chin bounced, her bottom lip shot out like a cash register drawer and try as I might, I couldn't console her. Ellen thought she had lost it and sifted the bin bags, to no avail.

Remembering a previous conversation about Claire's dad who works in Prosthetics and Orthotics, Beth and Ellen hatched a plot to ask if he could repair the leg. When he came round on New Years Day, Ellen asked if he could fix it.... and he agreed. Hooray for Jocky.

Today, a parcel was squeezed through the letter box, containing the doll with her brand new leg for all to see (excuse the quality of the photo). Ellen may now stick to her New Year's Resoloution to stop swearing!

I received a call-out today to a man in distress. He had no heating and was suffering from Man Flu. I hurried to his flat to see if I could fix the problem......... and fix it I did. He took time to explain the symptoms and then demonstrated the clicking noise by switching the heating on. I heard the symtoms coming from a pump next to where he was pointing, and tracing the cable for all of 2 inches, I found a plug socket which had been switched off. Problem solved.

I hope you're nice and warm now Sam.

Yep, 24 years after wanting a CB so much it hurt, I'm now selling one on eBay. Having found it in my loft, brand new and still boxed it has already gathered a lot of interest (4 days to go before the auction ends). I'm also selling issue 9 of VIZ, from October 1982. It too has received a great deal of interest and I should make well over £100 for it.

AND FINALLY.....

Claire has taken the plunge and gone eco/recycling/green CCCCRRRRRAAAAAZZZZYY.

She has cleaned out ALL cleaning products and replaced them with eco friendly versions (will they still clean the skid marks off the bowl tho?). She has replaced all washing up and laundry products with eco friendly ones (Will it take the map of Australia off the front of my under dungers tho?)

I have a shaving bar made with ......stuff, which won't pollute anywhere and am soon to get a crystal deodorant, which is a pebble thing that you rub on your oxters and it stops you sweating. (I'll be the judge of that... or maybe you will be the next time I arrive at one of your houses, dressed in a Rafia Khaftan and smelling thon funny wye).

And.......... she has recently purchased a Wormery, so along with her Composter & Food Digester, she has 5 or 600 worms eating anything else from my plate that I can't manage.

Where will it stop?................

See you all in 2007. Take care

Nick, Claire, Beth and Ellen XX

Pick your own nose........

You cant pick your family but you can pick your own nose...or can you........

Seasons Greetings

Afternoon everyone! Am I the only person to NOT take a drink on New Year's eve? Probably not, but I feel better for it. So my New Year's resolutions?

1. Stay off the drink unless it's an emergency
2. Stay away from the sweets, biscuits and cakes - unless another family member is present
3. Warm up before I lift anything heavier than my todger (that way I won't have such a sore neck and shoulder)

Good een!!

Cheerie

Sam

It's 2007..............

Happy New Year to everyone...Mum is texting all and has just spent ages typing in a long one (text that is) only to answer a phone call before she had finished her message so....she's typing in the long one again.....
Any new year's resolutions?

Laura : To get my jeans zipped up and be able to breath at the same time, to make our Fibre Bus idea happen!!
Peter : To help Laura get her jeans zipped up and to knit myself a belted cable cardi....thanks for the book Ben, it is full of knitting pattern ideas and should keep me going...however this was my favorite....

Mum : To keep healthy and to work on my memoirs (look out for that one....)