Oooh - I Could Crush a Grape!!!

Just a quick line to say how excited I am that it's Jess and Johnny's wedding this weekend!

It'll be laughing non-stop on the way down as Peter, Laura, Nick, Claire and me race down the road on Thursday night to arrive in Bourne on Friday morning. Then there's the kilt-cartwheel competition that I'm organising. We'll see who's got the longest penis in the family... actually we won't cos I'm not wearing a kilt. You'll have to trust me that I takwe first place in that one.

Then there's the stuff on Friday afternoon - perhaps there's some useful things that we can help ou with Son... er, decorating things, er.... ummm, doing more cartwheels etc. Then Friday night when everyone meets at the Woods' for a bumper nosh up, burping and/or farting, some showing off, a wee bit swearing etc... and that's just Mum.

Then there's the hysterical laughing on Saturday morning, what with folk running around trying to remember what they're supposed to be doing, staying out of stressed parents' way, hiding in the airing cupboard eating sanitary towels (hey, it's dark in there).

Then the solemnity of the wedding ceremony: Mum wondering whether she brought the correct reading and not the lesbian manifesto she had been reading the night before; Peter trying to prise his nuts from his thighs under his sweaty kilt; Laura trying to prise Peter's nuts from his thighs under his sweaty... (you know how it goes); Claire T trying to decide whether the minister has a boyfriend or a girlfriend; Nick looking up phrases in the church Bible, like 'Moses fingered the Chaldaeans'; Claire S hoping no-one spots her false arms (while she secretly knits a hemp posing pouch for Nick under her jumper); me trying to sing in a key lower than a soprano... okay stop there. It's not funny.

Anyroad - if you read this before Saturday, JessNJohnny... good luck and looking forward to seeing you on Friday and Saturday.

Sam